raqueljoy's Journal

4:48pm: i miss typepad.
new blog at pipsylou.typepad.com

11:44am: guilty.
Motherhood of 2 young children 2 years apart has pretty much been a study on guilt lately.
You feel guilty because you have to make a choice of one child over the other many times, because you haven't had s*ex in close to 3 weeks, because the kids were noisy and woke your very tired husband up at 6 am on a Saturday.

You feel guilty because you really want them to just be quiet so you can get into the shower (after not having taken one for 72 hours), so you can just empty the dishwasher, so you can just put some makeup on for your party this afternoon.

You feel guilty because you sleep with the little one in the bed and you told yourself you wouldn't, that the older one has bugars in her hair and is currently screaming her little lungs out from her crib - "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!"

You feel guilty because you walked to Target and shopped there for an hour and a half, much too long for a 2 month old and a 2 year old to stay sane. You feel guilty because you fed the 2 year old cookies from the Target snack station just to make her happy.

Guilty because you haven't read your Bible in weeks, guilty because when your husband comes home the house is a mess. Guilty because whenever you are on the computer, even for a minute, you should be doing something else. Wherever you sit down in your house, there is a mess to be cleaned or something to do.

Guilty because you shouldn't even be thinking these things, you're lucky to have two wonderful children. 

Guilty because you haven't stuck to your diet, you're terrible at calling your friends back, and when you do, you can only talk for a little while because someone needs you soon after you pick up the phone.

Guilty because your elderly neighbor likes to stand outside and talk, but you really can't when you have a 2 year old running toward the street and the baby is screaming his lungs out because he's hungry.

Guitly because you should be enjoying these times, ALL the time, because the kids grow up too fast, everyone says. Guilty because you know you adore your kids and are able to laugh at the silly things they do, but you should do that more.

Guilty, guilty, guilty.

Guilty.

1:19pm: happy birthday to me
i'm 28
isn't that grand
isn't that great?

12:23pm: mourning
10 things i know for sure:

1. My grandfather is in heaven. That thought pre-empts all other sadness that can obscure my vision and take my eyes off of the final prize (thank you, James, for the reminder). 96 years is 96 years, eternity is, well, eternity.
2. Listening to my uncles sing "on your first day in heaven" in their barbershop quartet, in my grandfather's living room, will always make me sob.
3. Running outside to get away from everything, and fighting off a viscious dog, was NOT my idea of a fun time. I kid you not. These 3 medium-sized dogs ran at me, teeth bared. My life flashed before my eyes and I cussed at them, kicking one of them off of me. It was one of those surreal moments in life - i.e., is this really happening?
4. To those of you who wrote me about your own grandparents - Hannah, Krista, James...THANK YOU. You don't know how much it meant.
5. I am so glad I got to say goodbye to him...and I am pretty sure he heard me.
6. The fact that he was 96 doesn't make it hurt any less that he's gone.
7. Going into their house, smelling my grandfather's smell AND seeing all his old farm hats in the front closet made me cry even more.
8. My eyes are puffy.
9. Seeing my mom bawl is hard. I am tearing up just thinking about it. I love her.
10. Getting an email from my brother in which he described being able to be there when my grandpa was dying, and signed it with an "I love you", was amazing. He has never signed an e-mail "I love you".
10. Giving Lulu and Asher their baths this morning "takes away some of the sting", as my dad put it.
11. I like Easter candy at times like this.
12. If you look at me the wrong way at this point in time, I might cry.
13. I love the way my son's head smells when he's just gotten done with his bath and all 12 pounds of him is curled up next to me. It makes me smile through the tears.

I was 14, we were on our way to the livestock auction. "Grandpa? Is it fun to drive?" He pulls over, looks at me. "Well? What are you waiting for? Take the wheel!" "Um... Do my parents know?" "Won't the cops pull us over?" (Obviously I haven't been in rural North Dakota too long.) "Ah, come on! Don't be a baby! Just drive!" I still balked, he groaned, drove us the rest of the way. 

When we were there, watching the crapping cows, it dawned on me that these gnarly old farmers weren't buying them for pets. "What's going to happen to that little calf?"

"Missy, where do you think your hamburgers come from?"

He bought me a treat, we rode home.

That was a fun day. 

Gah, here I go tearing up again. My mom asked me to help with some of the grammar in his obituary. I did that, and told her we needed to add that he was a "stubborn Swede" - otherwise the obituary wouldn't be accurate. My uncle said, "Oh, we're rewriting the obituary now?" I started crying. Then I started worrying that maybe he saw some stories lying out on the table I had written about my grandpa and that I was remembering him the wrong way.

Why am I so sensitive?

So much family is coming today. It will be a time of crying, laughing, remembering.

My memories of my grandpa are just that - mine...stubborn, sometimes grumpy, imperfect grandpa.

I loved him so.

12:19pm: You guys, thank you SO much for your prayers and thoughts. I know you are really praying and thinking of me, and not just saying it.

I am sad for me, but not for my grandpa. How fun could it have been to sit and stare at the wall, not even be sure what you are seeing? Wearing a diaper, asking everyone to repeat everything they say 45 times.

I never heard my grandfather say "I love you". In reflection, I see that he did it alot more in action. Something that is still hard for me to understand. He was harder on my uncles than he was on my mom; he told my mom and I when he was 80 that God had appeared to him and told him he was going to give him a little more time. "Just a little more time, Art, a little more time."

Apparently a little more time was 16 years. I have never doubted that it was God's voice that my grandpa heard...he was NEVER an emotional person, and that day he told us that, he sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. 

I was always curious what "a little more time" was to God.

I just plowed through a whole package of Hershey's marshmallow eggs. Asher is lying on my lap and I have to pack, pack everyone (but Scott). I wonder if my mom and dad will bring my grandma back to live with them for awhile now that my grandpa is gone. It was really really neat that my brothers got to be there and see grandpa while he was still alive. I guess it was pretty emotional when they said goodbye. He wanted hugs. He has NEVER been a hugger. He put his arm up while they were visiting, and they could never understand what he wanted, until it finally dawned on them that he was wanting hugs. That was his way of asking.

He got scared one day and his friend Morris came in with a Bible and read Him passages assuring him of his salvation.

This is the first death of a family member I have experienced. Friends, yes, family members, no.

It is strange. I don't know how to feel.

On a completely unrelated and somewhat humorous note, bikinis on babies and little girls creep me out. How is it that I can't find a one-piece for my 2 year old at the store?

8:08am: strange
My grandpa died at 2 am this morning. This is also the 1st birthday of a friend's baby. Isn't life strange?

I said goodbye to him yesterday afternoon. I heard his heavy breathing as he struggled to stay alive. I told him I loved him and I would see him in heaven, and I knew he heard me.

Asher was looking at me the whole time, grinning these huge grins.

Life is so strange.

2:17pm: Grandpa
I think you're  waiting for her - waiting for the voice you've heard for 65  years
I think you're  waiting for her lilac scent, the way she can calm your fears
you know, the ones you keep in the dark, the ones a Swedish farmer doesn't show.

I think you're  waiting for her, in the quiet,
as you sit by the nurse's station, struggling for breath in a 96 year old body.

We shed our tears and we form a circle
and we pray
We pray that your passing will be painless,
that she will be there in time to squeeze your hand
to tell you,
"It's ok. Go to God. You're finished here."

The tears fall into the Dell computer keyboard keys as the news that you are dying is fresh on my heart.

And until then, I'll remember the sloppy kisses and your adoration of all things Kentucky Fried Chicken.
I'll remember the way your whiskers felt when you kissed me and the time you killed a goose when I was hunting with you and I cried for days.
I'll remember the chicken show we put on for Grandma with my newly hatched chicks. I'll remember your telling mom and I that God had told you you had a little more time on this earth, right around your 80th birthday.

You are so  unlike me - you never wore your heart on your sleeve. And an "I love you" came not from your voice, but from the actions you took.

Most importantly, though, Grandpa, you showed us in living your life that the only lasting Legacy worth leaving was a love for Christ  - any life outside of that meaning was dust. And you lived it. Not in the emotive way that I thought was the only way possible to live that life, but in a way that fit your personality and your gifts.

I'll see you again, Gramps.
But this time you'll have a renewed body and your spirit will be as I remember.

You can go now. You've lived a full life, and you've left quite a Legacy behind. I'm so proud of you.

Have a sloppy kiss ready for me.

******************

1 Thessalonians 4:13 - 18

 Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord's own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage each other with these words.

2:43pm: real
I have been struggling with doubt lately - doubt that God is who He says he is, doubt that Christianity is the true way to God (let's not kid ourselves, there are many absolutes in the universe; why would the idea of who God is be any different? Because we want it to be? Because it's convenient for us?)

I have doubts about life, about why some have it harder than others, about why children are killed or abused, why Christians can sit in hallowed halls unaffected.

I was reading Mere Christianity last night. That is one amazing book. I actually exclaimed, many a time, "Wow!" While was reading it...
Some highlights...

"Atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning..."

If we figure out that there is no meaning in the universe, how would we know that, unless there is meaning somewhere else, something to compare it to? And if there is meaning somewhere else, then the idea that the universe has no meaning can't be true. This dude is brilliant.

"God is the only comfort, He is also the supreme terror:  the thing we most need and the thing we most want to hide from. He is our only possible ally, and we have made ourselves His enemies.  Some  people talk as if meeting the gaze of absolute goodness would be fun. They need to think again. They are still only playing with religion."

"What Satan put into the heads of our remote ancestors was the idea that they could...be their own masters--invent some sort of happiness for themselves apart from God. And out of that hopeless attempt has come nearly all that we call human history...the long, terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy."

"If a thing is free to be good it is also free to be bad...Why, then, did God give them free will? Because free will, though is makes evil possible, is also the only thing that makes possible any love or goodness or joy worth having. A world of creatures that worked like machines would hardly be worth creating."

Before I quote the whole book - if you are searching like I am, READ THIS BOOK. it is amazing. He doesn't try to convince you...he first comes at the idea of God from a very logical perspective, and the book progresses from there. He talks about the judgemental nature of humans and the supreme nature of God...

There comes a point in every man's life where he must either choose to follow the religion of his parents or go his own way. God gave me a mind, and I am using it in asking these questions. When I think, "What if there is no God?" It is quickly followed by the thought that there is too much in this world to possibly be made from pure chance. And what is chance, after all, than a fancy way of talking probability? The probability of you and me, sitting here with our higher thinking powers, having come from dust and ash is just so crazy. I've asked God to make Himself real to me, and I believe He will answer that prayer.

3:55pm: We had the in-laws over for dinner last night. I'm feeling better today, because I just got a 2 hour nap!!!! Unheard of in these parts!

They brought over a delicious dinner and we had a good time talking, until I started to feel pressured about certain things... 

1. "You guys need a new mini-van. It's time." 
S: Well, we want to pay for any new car we get outright, so we don't have car payments. If we paid for it outright, new cars can cost $18 or $19,000 (a 2004), so we are waiting a little while so we don't eat up all our savings."
**crickets chirping**

2. "It's getting time to think about where to put A, because he will grow out of the bassinet soon. I think you guys need 2 cribs."

3. "Here's a photo of us, you can just throw it away though." (She always comments about the lack of photos of them in our house. If there is one, it is discounted because there is one of my parents, too.)

4. "Where's the recliner we gave L?"
me: "We put it in the basement for her to sit in there when she watches tv, because we don't have room for it up here."
"But it could fit up here! Right there!"
me: "Yeah, I guess it could."

5. After I commented that L doesn't always eat very well for us... "Well, she eats GREAT for us, all the time."
Maybe that's because she's always fed all the carbohydrates and sodium she could ever want at their house?

6. "What are you going to do with the hutch we gave you?"
me: "Well, the top is wobbly, and I don't want it falling on L (it's HUGE) if she were playing around it."
her: "Well, we can bolt it to the wall."
me: "I don't think there's room, where would we put it?"
her: "Right along this wall..." (points to where A's swing and L's toys are sitting).
me: getting frustrated... "I don't think there's room there. Maybe we will wait awhile." quickly change subject.

I'm getting pressure for them wanting to take both kids overnight. Why do I feel bad saying "No?" A is only 2 months old.

I am learning not to let the stuff they say bother me and to just let it go in one ear and out the other. I don't know why I'm so sensitive.

I DO think, however, that having both sets of in-laws living in town is taxing on me more than I know...it's just the inevitable structure of the in-law relationship, isn't it? S is so good at taking it all in stride...why can't I be?

S's mom is retiring in 3 weeks. She made the comment the other night that she will be over at our house alot. She has a tendency to just show up out of the blue, a la everybody loves raymond. Insert awkward conversation here:

Ok, allt he venting for today.

3:56pm: I don't think I invited HER to the party.

I think I could be officially diagnosed with Post-Partum depression. It's just been the last week or so that I've just felt sad. What makes it worse is feeling like I can't blog about it because I know there are people who read who would be thrilled to have a 2 year old and a new baby, and get to stay home. So that makes it worse. "Gosh, Rachel, you should be happy with your life situation, what's wrong with you?" It's not that I'm not happy, it's just that I feel SAD. I have a new obsession with the OCD - that something will happen to me and Scott will have to raise the kids alone. It feels good to get it out there. SL said, "Are you the only person capable of raising your children?" I answered no, and that's a good point. I wonder what the obsession will be next week. I think my freaking out came on after Bible study on Wednesday night when I had a migraine and was pretty much incapacitated. Scott had to put Lucy to bed, etc. Then the thought was, "What if it's a brain tumor?" And yes, the downward spiral began. Then we went to the parenting conference, and I started freaking out about how LITTLE we know about parenting, and what a big responsibility it is, and ohmygosh what if Lucy marries a total loser or the kids get mole*sted or blah blah blah?

God is a big God and I have trouble letting him do his job now, don't I. Whatever happens, he is in control. He's gotten me through some really crappy stuff in the past, and I know He's still there, even in the midst of it, as my wise friend Shannon says.

So, yeah, post-partum depression. She came late, and she's not welcome. Asher is 7 weeks old tomorrow, and wasn't she supposed to come earlier if she was coming? I didn't invite her to the party.

Our washing machine is broken and I'm really annoyed that we ordered it a week ago and still don't know when it's going to be here. Lucy is crabby with a runny nose and Asherman is constipated - no poo since Friday. When should I be getting concerned? I gave him a bath and rubbed his little tummy, gave him some senna, nothing...my house is a mess and the in laws are coming for dinner. And can you believe I'm actually worried about whether or not they'll be offended that the mini recliner they gave Lucy isn't sitting in our living room, but in our basement? They bought it because it matches the living room colors, but we just don't have the room. Maybe I should bring it up for while they're here?

When I was sitting in the rocking chair rocking both kids I noticed the dust bunnies the size of France underneath the bassinet...repeat after me...dust bunnies don't matter...dust bunnies don't matter...

highlights from today...Lucy is putting on Mardi Gras beads as we speak...Asher got a BEAUTIFUL and I mean BEAUTIFUL baby blanket from Catherine. It makes me smile just to look at it. All that hard work that went into it, Catherine. THank you SO much. I took a picture of him on it...and the edging is divine! How long did it take you to DO that????????? He threw up on it promptly after being placed there. It is washable, right? ;) He also got a little sleeper - we will just get him a bigger one - it is too small and I want him to be able to wear it for awhile!

I feel another migraine coming on. Screw this Weight Watchers stuff. The Parents as Teachers lady came today and, after I told her that last night I left the tv on at night in the living room just so A-man would have some noise and wouldn't wake up, said, "White noise is bad for babies. Here's a handout on overstimulation. Too much tv is not good." I am going to keep my big mouth shut next time.

Catherine, can I cuddle up with that beautiful blanket and go cry in the corner?

10:32am: cd list
Tell me which cds you want. None of them have jackets; it's only the cd. I will send up to 5 per person! Why am I doing this? Because I'm nice, and I haven't listened to these cds for AGES. Yes, I have eclectic music tastes - jump, little children and country :) email which ones you want and youra ddress to pipsersmom@gmail.com. i actually have fun sending them off.

alison kraus - forget about it
amy grant - behind the eyes
amy grant - the collection
art garfunkel - up 'til now
barenaked ladies - maroon
beth nielsen chapman - sand and water
billy joel - river of dreams
boston - boston
boyz II men - II
caedmon's call - caedmon's call
celine dion - all the way (a decade of song)
chris deburgh - into the light
creed - my own prison
darryl worley - i miss my friend
dave matthews band - busted stuff
dave matthews band - crash
diamond rio - one more day
dixie chicks - fly
dixie chicks - home
dixie chicks - wide open spaces
dream - it was all a dream
eagles - greatest hits (1971-1975)
edwin mccain - messenger
enya - the celts
enya - shepherd moons
eric clapton - 24 nights (live from albert hall)
eric clapton - time pieces
eric clapton - journeyman
faith hill - breathe
faith hill - cry
fiona apple - tidal
frank sinatra - classic sinatra
garth brooks - ropin' the wind
garth brooks - sevens
george strait - blue clear sky
indigo girls - nomads indians saints
jaci velasquez - heavenly place
james taylor - mud slide slim and the blue horizon
jars of clay - jars of clay
jars of clay - much afraid
jewel - pieces of you
jewel - spirit
jewel - this way
jonny lang - wander this world
journey - greatest hits live
jump, little children - magazine
kansas - the best of kansas
larue - larue
lonestar - i'm already there
lonestar - lonely grill
martina mcbride - greatest hits
michael bolton - the hunger
michael w. smith - this is your time
moby - mobysongs (the best of moby)
natalie imbruglia - left of the middle (can we say one-hit wonder, anyone?)
no doubt - rock steady
original broadway recording - les miserables
miss saigon highlights
titanic
city of angels
dazed and confused
moulin rouge
pretty woman
the prince of egypt
runaway bride
the civil war: the nashville sessions (broadway show)
paul brandt - calm before the storm
robbie williams - the ego has landed
rem - automatic for the people
sarah mclachlan - afterglow
sarah mclachlan - surfacing
sarah mclachlan - fumbling towards ecstasy
sarah vaughan - sarah vaughan's finest hour
shawn colvin - steady on
shawn mullins - soul's core (remember that song "lullaby"?)
simon and garfunkel - bridge over troubled water
simon and garfunkel - sounds of silence
spice girls - spice
steven curtis chapman - signs of life
tim mcgraw - a place in the sun
tim mcgraw - life like you were dying
toby keith - shock 'n 'yall
tracy chapman  - new beginning
trisha yearwood - real live woman
9/11 - a tribute to heroes, disc 1
various artists - holidy sounds of the season
willie nelson - greatest hits (and some that will be)

phew! you know what the sad thing is? this list accounts for probably 1/5 of the cds i have ever bought. so, the thing about me not being materialistic? depends on what i'm buying. :) hehehehe.

7:57pm: We*ight Watch*ers

Things I've learned while on Weigh*t Watch*ers this time:

Lucy's Animal Crackers smothered with canned cream cheese frosting is SO worth the 7 points it costs to eat them.
Getting up in the middle of the night with an eating baby reminds me that I like to eat, and it can be quite difficult figuring out which day to put that bowl of ice cream on. Is it just an overage from yesterday or a really bad start for tomorrow?
Weight Watchers and nursing are not friends.
I expect it to take at LEAST 6 months to lose this baby weight.

More lessons as I come upon them.

Questions I must ask at the next meeting include:
If I entice my 2 year old to come back to the br*east, does that earn me 12 ADDITIONAL points a day?
Does s*ex before the children wake up count as a valid activity with which to earn activ*ity poin*ts?
Is it bad that I"ve been on it for a week and I still haven't actually been under my points target a single day?
Has anyone else in the room eaten all their points by 10 AM, or is it just me? (I could eat a 10-pack of frosted cookies and be ready for a 4-course lunch).
Do you people REALLY eat that nasty soup that gives you such bad gas that you find yourself wishing you were born without a sense of smell?

7:57pm: We*ight Watch*ers

Things I've learned while on Weigh*t Watch*ers this time:

Lucy's Animal Crackers smothered with canned cream cheese frosting is SO worth the 7 points it costs to eat them.
Getting up in the middle of the night with an eating baby reminds me that I like to eat, and it can be quite difficult figuring out which day to put that bowl of ice cream on. Is it just an overage from yesterday or a really bad start for tomorrow?
Weight Watchers and nursing are not friends.
I expect it to take at LEAST 6 months to lose this baby weight.

More lessons as I come upon them.

Questions I must ask at the next meeting include:
If I entice my 2 year old to come back to the breast, does that earn me 12 ADDITIONAL points a day?
Does s*ex before the children wake up count as a valid activity with which to earn activ*ity poin*ts?
Is it bad that I"ve been on it for a week and I still haven't actually been under my points target a single day?
Has anyone else in the room eaten all their points by 10 AM, or is it just me? (I could eat a 10-pack of frosted cookies and be ready for a 4-course lunch).
Do you people REALLY eat that nasty soup that gives you such bad gas that you find yourself wishing you were born without a sense of smell?

8:39pm:

That last post felt good, and this one will, too.
I've been feeling blue the past few days. Just, well, blue. I can't describe it any better than that. Then I have to remember that I do have a 2 year old and a 6 week old (who, coincidentally, just burped upstairs and I heard it through the vent) who need my constant attention. Pair that with trying to do housework, return phone calls, meet with people save some time for Scott and me, some time for myself, and, well, this poor girl is exhausted.

We went to a parenting seminar this weekend at our church. Alot of it was about being intentional with how you want to raise your kids, how you want to live your lives...writing a mission statement for your family. Some of our core values are:

1. Family time means far more to us than any material posessions (thank God Scott and I are both on the same page on this.)
2. We want to live minimally to reduce clutter in our home and in our minds.
3. We want to raise children who fear God and love others - children responsible for their own actions, who see the hurts in others and respond as Jesus would.
4. Health is important to us.
5. Vacations and family time are more important to us than having a bigger house, newer cars.
6. We want to continue to stay out of debt (do you know how good that feels?).
7. Scott's job is a means to an end...not THE end...he has stepped down from a stressful leadership position so he can spend more time with us. It's been so awesome so far.

What are some of your family's goals? Are you intentional in creating them?

I'm realizing more and more that I DON'T want the bigger house for the bigger house's sake, or the new cars. I guess I'm just not wired that way. I just don't care, you know? I don't care. And it feels really good. I care less and less how other people see me, or if they like the way I dress, or look. I just don't care. And it is a good place to be. I care about spending time with my husband and children. And the rest, well, is just the rest.

I think part of the "blueness" comes from me not having opened my Bible for months. I don't know God; I don't know Jesus. Of course I am scared of things in life because I haven't been reading the promises, and I let fear overtake me. I let fear rob the joy.

They showed this video at church. It moved me. Please link to it on your blog if you feel the same way.

I'm starting a new thing...I've got TONS of cds I no longer listen to. So, look at the list below, and email me (pipsersmom@Gmail.com) which ones you want! All you have to do in return is write me a REAL snail-mail letter! You know how much I love snail mail!

Check out the kids' site for new pics.

1:21pm: just call me Simon Cowell...

I just got done with judging someone else on their blog, in their comments. I'm awesome. What is it in us that drives us to want to judge other people, judge ourselves? Why?

Today at my doctor's appointment for the 6 week check-up I was nervous. I was nervous before going in. I was nervous in talking to her about all that transpired. I was nervous because I felt like she might say, "you did the wrong thing, you should have waited - you should have toughed it out." But, she didn't. I told her that now I felt like I could have waited and gone to full term, and she stopped me and said, "R, no you could not have. You were in a very scary place when we talked at your 36 week appointment. The right decision was made, absolutely. You seem like a different person. " I don't know, for some reason I needed to hear that.

From her. And I don't care what anyone says. I still love my doctor.

I've thought alot about it over the last 6 weeks - about the well-meaning people who would write to me and say, "just trust God! do a natural delivery! go to 43 weeks and deliver at home with some expired ganja and a hot pink birthing ball! sing kum ba yah 97 times as you push the baby out of your birthing canal! c-sections are the devil! Go read "silent knife!"  "Why don't you jump off a cliff, with a running start?" I thought to myself. I started to listen to those people more than I was listening to myself. I didn't bother telling them that the way I felt at the end of my pregnancy was so terrible, I've never been so low in my life. Not even when we thought L might not make it to delivery after she was first diagnosed. And when he ended up in the hospital, well, the guilt was overwhelming. God was punishing me for being so "selfish".

What all of these well-meaning people don't realize, (and the friend who told me proudly that she did it ALL naturally, and she had earned her badge of honor), the people who sat there and told me that i could have made it to 40 weeks, was that the world inside my head was hell. I hid alot of it from everyone. What were they going to do? Tell me not to worry? I would have anyway. Cast my cares upon God? Ok. A friend told me that in high school, when I literally wanted to die. I would lie on my bed in my room, having a panic attack. I just wanted it to end. My mom would come in and tell me that we were going for a walk, and it would calm me down - for 30 minutes or so...then it would begin again.  Everything that could possibly go wrong in a pregnancy was going to go wrong in mine. That's how OCD works. The bad things are an inevitability. Oh, and remember when I came down so hard on An*drea Y*ates? Yeah...well, God gave me a little healthy dose of what we like to call, "See how that feels!" in these parts. Mental illness sucks. Some days there's no way to get away from the obsessions in your head. Scott is so good at helping me deal with it, or just telling me, "If it happens, it happens, and it's not because of your OCD." I remember texting him and telling him I'd struggled with it for a long time - I was too afraid to tell him to his face. We had been dating for about a month. His response was like, "Ok, so what?" 

"Ok, so what?"

I think I need to allow myself to have a chill pill. I think I need to take the advice of well-meaning people (many of them Christians with rules and regulations) and throw it out the window. My Aunt wrote me a letter and alluded to the fact that I open myself up for all this advice and it comes from all angles, from well-meaning people, and, well, it's noisy and suffocating. That's nice that you were able to go all the way to 47 weeks, but it doesn't mean that you have to say to me, "Why didn't you have to wait until the end like the rest of us?" Yeah, someone actually said that to me. Ok, I'll trade you brains, and then we'll talk.

The same with birth control choices. If I put it out here on this blog, I'm going to get a million different ideas of what is right and what is wrong. And I really don't want to deal with it. So, the easiest way is to not put it out there.

Did you know that in my life, the most judgment I have gotten was from people who were Christians? Catholics, Protestants, Pentecostals, you name it. Why the judging? Why am I so judgemental? What does it accomplish? I remember in College, when my friend came to me and told me he was gay. I told him I had known since the day we met. He told me how members of the Christian group on campus invited him to their little group - and then later that day he heard one of them call him a fag. "Well, are you? I mean, is that how you define yourself?" "No." "Well, consider the source, and move on with your life." I can guarantee you he hasn't stepped into a church since.

I wonder what God would think of my heart, the way I have written on here about abortion, etc., etc., etc. I think it's sort of amusing that certain topics are the "hot topics" in the church today. As if sexual abuse and infidelity are just water under the bridge. Why are those such hot-topic issues? I'll tell you why - because the people who are condoning the behavior have either a. never dealt with the temptations of that behavior, or b. are dealing with it and don't know how to come to grips with it, so they lash out at others to make themselves feel better.

People have said to me, "Oh, you're so BRAVE!" Am I? Really? Saying inflammatory things on a blog where you can't see my face? Hurting people behind the guise of Christian virtue?

I've always loved it when the world is black and white...and everything fits into a box...and I can tell people that and stir things up on my blog, and on other blogs. Maybe it makes me feel better about being a Christian; maybe it makes me feel like I'm being "bold" for the faith. I don't know. What I do know is that Jesus, were he to walk into our little downstairs office, would be sorely disappointed.

He'd also probably be really disappointed with the fact that unwed women have abortions all the time because they don't want the condemnation from the church for having a baby out of wedlock. They don't want all those pious Christians looking down their noses. They don't want people like me going on and on about how terrible abortion is and if you do it you suck. Yeah, real loving.

There have been a number of things that have transpired in the past couple of weeks that encouraged this post. I've been told how to have my baby, which birth control to avoid, how many children I should have, why I've had trouble with depression, blah, blah, blah. Frankly, I'm tired of it.

Maybe God allowed a fair dose of it to pervade my soul to obliterate the judger in me.

It worked.

2:37pm: sinning
If you want to read about how wonderful and fantastic my children (!) are, and see pictures, check the other site...if I know you I'll give you the password.

Anyone want to buy a set of 3 Large brand new Fuzzi Bunz from me? Colors are burgundy, hunter green, and sage. The burgundy Lucy peed in twice and I washed twice, according to label directions. I'm charging $43.00, and that's including shipping. I keep trying to list them on ebay and the listing keeps getting knocked off. The listing was up to $46.00, including shipping, so I'm moderately annoyed. I guess it's illegal to post "size large diapers", because Ebay thinks you're a sicko who wears large diapers as a fetish and kicks you off. I wish I didn't know that.

I'm going to use this blog as a place to sort out my feelings about life. I'm putting all the letters to the kiddos, etc., on the other site. It feels "safer" that way, to me, too. Anyway. 

SL hit the nail on the head again when I saw her last. We talked about how I have basically told S that he doesn't need to get me anything ever for holidays, my birthday, mother's day, anniversary. I've liked being the "cool wife" he tells his work guys about. "Wow, dude! She gets it! You don't ever have to buy her anything! My wife wants a Coach purse!" There's been a certain pride in my heart about that. And it has been ok - I didn't get anything for Christmas and was fine with it. I bought a cd for myself or something. But Valentine's Day...well, Valentine's Day...I didn't get anything and it really, really bothered me. I told him that and he said, "I thought you didn't care?" "Yeah, I guess I was wrong. I don't think I can go the next possibly 50 years of marriage and never get anything from you. I thought I could but I can't." This said while I'm crying, standing in the kitchen, trying to cook a terribly messed-up dinner, both kids screaming, him working on his laptop for work. I was so ready to just throw down the dishrag and run around the block so I wouldn't slap someone. I wanted to know if we couldn't just get something little for each other - could we exchange that night that we were going to the dinner theatre? "You want to exchange TODAY?" This is when I responded with, "You know what, forget it. If you don't want to get me a goddamn present, don't. I don't want to take any of your time away from your precious computer. I don't want to be an obligation." And then I cried and cried and cried...and he gave me a hug and picked up Asher Man and held him while I finished dinner and all was right with the world.

And then, well, he did the sweetest thing - probably the best thing he could have done. He went to Target and picked out all these little things that he knew would mean the most to me - he knows me so well...and he wrote a poem along with them and was so proud giving them to me. I love my husband.

SL asked me why I would tell my husband he didn't need to give me anything in the first place. Aside from the fact that I know there are extra crowns awaiting me in heaven for buying the bare minimum of anything for myself (and stuff of the crappiest quality), I don't know. I don't know. She made me sit with the question, and I guess it boils down to this. I don't want to put anyone out, and I guess, deep down, I don't think I deserve it. I feel like I'm putting him out if I ask to go to Starbuck's with a friend on a Saturday for 2 hours without the kids. I feel like buying nice underwear and throwing out the stuff I've had for 56 years is being wasteful and ungrateful. 

But where does this come from? Why is it that everyone gets the first fruits and I Get the last?

SL pointed out that even Jesus had to send the crowds away and spend time with God, feeding his own soul.

Just some thoughts I wanted to get down. Don't know what to do with them; they're just there.

Being good to yourself isn't a sin.

7:47am: twins
In true Catherine style (a style that is showing up everywhere on the internet), I bring you random thoughts...

This weekend I am going with another friend to a friend's baby shower. She's having twin girls. I saw her on Sunday morning and just shook my head and smiled. She said, "I know, I know!" She really has no clue how tough it is going to be with TWO babies and a toddler. I realized in that moment that I wasn't jealous. Which is a big step for me. There was a small small hope that Asher was a twin when I got pregnant with him, but I am realizing that had he been a twin I would be clinically insane right now. And there's also the realization that had Lucy's twin made it, Asher most likely wouldn't be here. Strange. It's just really, really inexplicably nice to be at a point where I am thankful for what I have and I can be truly happy for other people. It doesn't blindside me any more.
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Scott came home last night upset by news that his co-worker's wife delivered twin girls at 24 weeks on Lucy's birthday. Both girls passed away shortly after. For those of you who have been in a similar situation, how can we offer our support without being creepy or overburdening? I wanted to maybe get a pendant or frame for mom with both girls' names and just mail it to her with a little note...thoughts?
**************************
I've gotten lots of organization and listing on ebay done. If today is beautiful it's high time for a walk.
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I hear a little munchkin wanting out of her crib. Asher Man is getting a little better about sleeping longer stretches. He went from 10 - 12:30 in his bassinet, then wanted food...then I slept with him in teh chair from 1 - 3:30, then he ate again at 3:30 and we slept on the couch, where I started thinking about the movie "Poltergeist" and FREAKING MYSELF OUT.
*************************
Scott has been telling me "Honey, no more cookies!" when I buy those Chips Ahoy soft-baked cookies. I eat them and then keep complaining that I want to lose weight. Yesterday at Target (our first outing!), I was grabbing some and Lu looked at me with a little grin, pushed them back and said, "No cookies!" I just looked at her in disbelief. When did she turn into a little girl on me?
*************************
Today's funny poll question (No, there probably won't be one tomorrow)... Would you buy condoms at Big Lots? (a discount store that takes all the rejects). This is when you KNOW you're thrifty...

All for now...

7:47am: twins
In true Catherine style (a style that is showing up everywhere on the internet), I bring you random thoughts...

This weekend I am going with another friend to a friend's baby shower. She's having twin girls. I saw her on Sunday morning and just shook my head and smiled. She said, "I know, I know!" She really has no clue how tough it is going to be with TWO babies and a toddler. I realized in that moment that I wasn't jealous. Which is a big step for me. There was a small small hope that Asher was a twin when I got pregnant with him, but I am realizing that had he been a twin I would be clinically insane right now. And there's also the realization that had Lucy's twin made it, Asher most likely wouldn't be here. Strange.
*************************
Scott came home last night upset by news that his co-worker's wife delivered twin girls at 24 weeks on Lucy's birthday. Both girls passed away shortly after. For those of you who have been in a similar situation, how can we offer our support without being creepy or overburdening? I wanted to maybe get a pendant or frame for mom with both girls' names and just mail it to her with a little note...thoughts?
**************************
I've gotten lots of organization and listing on ebay done. If today is beautiful it's high time for a walk.
**************************
I hear a little munchkin wanting out of her crib. Asher Man is getting a little better about sleeping longer stretches. He went from 10 - 12:30 in his bassinet, then wanted food...then I slept with him in teh chair from 1 - 3:30, then he ate again at 3:30 and we slept on the couch, where I started thinking about the movie "Poltergeist" and FREAKING MYSELF OUT.
*************************
Scott has been telling me "Honey, no more cookies!" when I buy those Chips Ahoy soft-baked cookies. I eat them and then keep complaining that I want to lose weight. Yesterday at Target (our first outing!), I was grabbing some and Lu looked at me with a little grin, pushed them back and said, "No cookies!" I just looked at her in disbelief. When did she turn into a little girl on me?
*************************
Today's funny poll question (No, there probably won't be one tomorrow)... Would you buy condoms at Big Lots? (a discount store that takes all the rejects). This is when you KNOW you're thrifty...

All for now...

11:42am: overwhelmed doesn't cover it
I am really working on lowered expectations - lowering them. I am freaking because I didn't do A's one-month letter yesterday. PLEASE. The OCD hits me when I have sleep deprivation, and that would be now. Getting excited for the little party this afternoon; also thinking lots about Jack Graves as he passed away 3 days after Lucy was born. I am so comforted in knowing we will get to meet him in heaven someday!

I will post pictures on the caringbridge site. If you don't have the password, email me (Sara! - I couldn't find your email.) pipsersmom@Gmail.com

The parenting choices post I posted a few days ago has me laughing. I am not choosing to do any sort of sleeping arrangement, etc., it's just whatever gets us through the nights/days the past few nights/days. 

Sorry Asher Man, I will write you a real letter soon! Scott and I have a REAL date to the dinner theatre tomorrow - which means I get to spend an evening laughing at his jokes and eating DELICIOUS food...like before we were married.

Rach

6:21pm: 2 years
Dear Lucy,

2 years ago, on this day, Valentine's Day, your dad and I didn't feel like doing much. So we stayed in and colored. Yes, colored. Hello Kitty pictures that ended up above your bassinet in the NICU. 2 days later we saw your little face.

I've managed at this point to write you a letter every month, except for last month, about which I started to feel guilty. I guess the day you turned 23 months you got Brother, so you can't complain too much, can you? I remember sobbing in the car after he was born and I had to be away from you so much to be with him. I felt so guilty. How would you cope? How would you adjust? "A sibling is the best gift you could ever give her. She'll learn to adjust," said your dad. Such a wise man.

Yesterday we watched you play with a new toy of Brother's. "Scott," I said, "Do you ever think that she could just as easily have NOT been here?" "All the time," he answered, then helped you put the colors of your stacking toy in the right order. "We're so lucky to be her parents." "Green", he said. "Geen", you said. "Red", he said. "ReD", you said, extra emphasis on the D.

I could tell you that you are the light of my life, my shining star, the reason I get up in the morning, Lucy, but I think that's putting an awful lot of pressure on a 2 year old kid. If you could see the mother-love in my heart, if I opened my heart up and showed it to you, I wouldn't be surprised if it flowed out and displaced the oceans. The United Nations would meet, concerned: "What do we do about this international threat?" It comforts me, daughter, that there are mothers and fathers all around the world who feel that same incredible love for their boys and girls. That I am not alone in that.

On Saturday we will have a small family party for you. I am so excited. We've been teaching you to reply, "TWO!" when asked your age. You adore Elmo, and he hasn't let you down yet. I think of your future, of all I hope for you. I've been reading a friend's writings lately. She seems to be sorting out all of the cultural nonsense she's been fed about gender roles and her worth as a woman. I identify with so much of what she writes. I want you to realize that no matter what, no matter what man is in your life, no matter how many children you have, no matter the job you hold, car you drive, house you own, you are worth SO much. In fact, I'd venture to say that you're worth as much as God loves you - and that is so incredible. So much more than the love you could get from anyone else on this planet.

It brings tears to my eyes when I realize that the love He has for you is a furnace and mine is a match flame. I want you to realize His love for you, and I want you to see it emanated to you through all sorts of people in your life - your dad and I, your grandparents, friends. And most importantly, I so desire for you to love him back, every day of your life, and show others that love. My heart's desire.

You will do so much in your life. You're a little light. That's what your name means. The minute they held you up, 6 pounds and 14 ounces, screaming and so very blessedly ALIVE, I KNEW we'd chosen the right name. Little light. Big brown curls and big brown eyes and red juice on a tan couch and temper tantrums in the bathtub. Kisses for daddy and snotty noses and "Up" when what you really want is "Down" and a sensitive little soul around which we, as your parents, have found that we must treat lightly.

I am so excited to see you continue to bless the lives of those around you, as you already have.

I look at your life, and there's not a day that goes by that I don't realize that "luck" has nothing to do with it. You were meant to be our girl, and we were meant to be your parents.

I love you, sweet girl.

With tears blurring my eyes,
Mom

"Be the change you want to see in the world." 
Mahatma Ghandi

7:53am: ADVICE PLEASE
After the night before last, when Lucy was throwing up all night, and Asher couldn't sleep either, and last night, when I got 3 hours of sleep, I am asking the following...

Asher seems REALLY gassy and cries cries cries - is this colic or could it be something I'm eating?
He is eating every 45 minutes. My nipples feel like raw meat. Could this be a sign I am not producing enough? I never remember nursing hurting with Lucy.
We have GOT to get this sleep thing figured out - what's the best way to get him in his bassinet? Do I let him cry longer? Sometimes if I let him he will scream for like a minute and then just pass out - it's like he almost has to get the screaming out.

I am DEFINITELY calling my mom today and asking her to take Lucy.

1:14pm: just in case you were starry-eyed

It's all about lowered expections. Seriously. Just in case you were starry-eyed about having 2 children 2 years apart or less, and you would never have imagined you'd...

let your baby lie in his own spit up while you tended to his sister

let your daughter eat not 1, but 2 chocolate chip cookies, in her crib unattended, you who are so afraid of choking children, just so you can have some quiet

let your son scream a lot longer than your daughter ever had to

tell your delighted husband that all you want for Valentine's Day is a dinner out - it doesn't matter where

decide that, dang it, you're going to eat 4 chocolate chip cookies for dessert simply because you've earned it - screw the diet.

sleep in the recliner with the baby all night, because, *gasp!* what about sleep training? (I had a woman tell me yesterday that at 3 weeks, A is plenty old enough to "sleep train" - meaning, sleep all night without eating...ummm...no thanks)

decide that a trip to MOPS, where they watch your kids for an entire 2 hours, may not be worth it in the end because how are you going to get both kids in and out of the car with a c-section scar screaming at you

decide that being 25 minutes late to church is actually not too bad

decide that, yes, macaroni and cheese can be a main dish for supper, even for adults

decide to tell relatives and friends in the future that a trip to the mall where you had to carry the baby carrier and tow the 2 year old was, in retrospect, not such a good idea

decide not care if someone visiting your home can see your breast while you're nursing or not...

check the baby numerous times to see if his c*olos*tomy bag needs changing - because you actually do forget he doesn't have one

allow your 2 year old to "clean" the baby's pacifier for you (yes, use your imagination)

I'm sure there'll be more...

10:05am: Wow, I am SO impressed, you guys!  :) Everyone was so civil!

Ok, I want to comment more on the stuff you said, but here's a question for you cloth diapering mamas...why did you choose to do it (it IS a big decision, after all...) When we were expecting twins we actually did the math and found we would come out on the losing end of the equation both financially and timewise when we factored in the number of diapers we would need, the energy it would take to wash them, amount of water, etc...but now, with one baby, it might be more financially worth it. I hope to have Lucy out of dipes soon. I wince every time I throw a diaper away.

What are your recommendations?

Also, what are your thoughts regarding putting your children's pictures on the internet? Shannon posted about it.

5:30pm: parenting choices and mommy wars
Check out Asher's blog for pictures of his valentine's day outfit in a bit. It is so stinking cute. Yes, he probably looks like a girl, but it's cute, no? Everywhere we go people say, "HE is SO tiny!" I forget how little they are.

Arwen wrote about her parenting choices. Read it, I'll wait. I'm writing about mine.

I breastfeed, and plan to up until one year of age. If I wanted to do longer, I would, I just haven't felt like it so far. We'll see how it goes with Asher. This is what worked with Lucy - at around one year I was getting sore, she was biting, I was just simply ready to be done. I have not looked back. It was the right decision for us. If breastfeeding hadn't worked (I have NEVER had any problems with it), I would have formula fed and slept well at night.

I use disposable diapers, because I have trouble keeping up with the laundry as it is. I have contemplated more than once doing cloth.

We generally don't cosleep, unless I'm really desperate, because when Lucy was 3 weeks old I woke up to a pillow over her face. And I am a very very very sound sleeper and would never forgive myself if I woke up on top of my baby. I know cosleeping works for LOTS of people, though!

I use the Angel Care movement monitor with Asher. I should have bought one with Lucy. I can sleep soundly at night knowing an alarm will go off if he doesn't breathe for 20 seconds. It is SOOOOOO nice. The other night I was having trouble sleeping, went out to buy one, slept like a charm after that.

We used to spank Lucy more than we do now. Her temperament, so far, doesn't really warrant it. A sound "no" or a "Lucy, danger!" Is much more effective with her than a paddle on the butt. We'll see what Asher's temperament is like.

I have no idea how we'll do child spacing; just trying to figure out what birth control is going to look like. If I got pregnant in the near future I think I would need a straight jacket. So, this is important. And I'm not ready to say, "No more kids." Anyone heard anything about the IUD? I know lots of people do the natural family planning, but seriously, if we did that and I got pregnant without intending to, yeah, straight jacket city.

Lucy gets lots of hugs and kisses and I explain what I'm doing while I'm doing it, thorughout the day. We've had comments that she has excellent language. I like to THINK it's because we talk talk talk all day. Who knows? Could just be her temperament. Maslow's hierarchy of needs states that feeling loved and safe is the number one need of a child, beyond food and shelter. I believe it.

What else - I am pretty laid back - although I don't like her watching just tv tv tv...it's pretty much Sesame Street and Caillou (anyone else think there's something odd about a bald four year old?)...I don't trust Disney. In fact, I really can't stand Disney. 

We have told Lucy "no" since she was 9 or 10 months old. And she's understood. It is amazing to me how quickly a baby can understand that word.

What parenting choices have you made, and why? And why do you think the mommy wars are so prevalent?

11:30am: the Gospel According to Oprah
Wow, Athena, thank you for this link.
You have got to see this. These ladies are KEEPIN' IT REAL, YO! How brave are they, to stand up to Oprah's "We're all good" hoo ha?
Wow.
http://www.wfial.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=resources.oprah&badUrl=http://www.wfial.org:80/resources/oprah
Is it interesting to anyone else that Oprah's view is, intrinsically, the same as saying that there is one way? To say that there is more than one Absolute Truth is trying to state an Absolute Truth in itself. And in studying the Bible more and more I'm seeing just how controversial Jesus was when he walked this planet.
More on this later.

We went to a GREAT restaurant called the Blue Koi - if you live here, it's GREAT! That's one thing I love about my city - so many non-chain, non run-of-the-mill restaurants. Jess, you'll love it here! I DID get a dirty look for breastfeeding, and even saw the woman turn to her husband and say, "I can't believe she's doing that HERE!" EVERYTHING WAS COVERED. I was about to say something to her but just gave her some pleasant smiles and acted like I didn't notice. Sometimes it WOULD be nice to live in Europe.

We gave Asher his first actual bath this morning. I love that kid. He just wanted to be snuggled up in his blankets again. No, he didn't sleep a 9-hour-night...it was just alot easier to feed him, etc., with him right next to me instead of in the other room in his bassinet.