raqueljoy ([info]raqueljoy) wrote,
@ 2007-02-10 17:30:00
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parenting choices and mommy wars
Check out Asher's blog for pictures of his valentine's day outfit in a bit. It is so stinking cute. Yes, he probably looks like a girl, but it's cute, no? Everywhere we go people say, "HE is SO tiny!" I forget how little they are.

Arwen wrote about her parenting choices. Read it, I'll wait. I'm writing about mine.

I breastfeed, and plan to up until one year of age. If I wanted to do longer, I would, I just haven't felt like it so far. We'll see how it goes with Asher. This is what worked with Lucy - at around one year I was getting sore, she was biting, I was just simply ready to be done. I have not looked back. It was the right decision for us. If breastfeeding hadn't worked (I have NEVER had any problems with it), I would have formula fed and slept well at night.

I use disposable diapers, because I have trouble keeping up with the laundry as it is. I have contemplated more than once doing cloth.

We generally don't cosleep, unless I'm really desperate, because when Lucy was 3 weeks old I woke up to a pillow over her face. And I am a very very very sound sleeper and would never forgive myself if I woke up on top of my baby. I know cosleeping works for LOTS of people, though!

I use the Angel Care movement monitor with Asher. I should have bought one with Lucy. I can sleep soundly at night knowing an alarm will go off if he doesn't breathe for 20 seconds. It is SOOOOOO nice. The other night I was having trouble sleeping, went out to buy one, slept like a charm after that.

We used to spank Lucy more than we do now. Her temperament, so far, doesn't really warrant it. A sound "no" or a "Lucy, danger!" Is much more effective with her than a paddle on the butt. We'll see what Asher's temperament is like.

I have no idea how we'll do child spacing; just trying to figure out what birth control is going to look like. If I got pregnant in the near future I think I would need a straight jacket. So, this is important. And I'm not ready to say, "No more kids." Anyone heard anything about the IUD? I know lots of people do the natural family planning, but seriously, if we did that and I got pregnant without intending to, yeah, straight jacket city.

Lucy gets lots of hugs and kisses and I explain what I'm doing while I'm doing it, thorughout the day. We've had comments that she has excellent language. I like to THINK it's because we talk talk talk all day. Who knows? Could just be her temperament. Maslow's hierarchy of needs states that feeling loved and safe is the number one need of a child, beyond food and shelter. I believe it.

What else - I am pretty laid back - although I don't like her watching just tv tv tv...it's pretty much Sesame Street and Caillou (anyone else think there's something odd about a bald four year old?)...I don't trust Disney. In fact, I really can't stand Disney. 

We have told Lucy "no" since she was 9 or 10 months old. And she's understood. It is amazing to me how quickly a baby can understand that word.

What parenting choices have you made, and why? And why do you think the mommy wars are so prevalent?




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[info]tijmetje
2007-02-11 12:24 am UTC (link)
Thanks for the link to Arwen's blog. It was a very interesting read and she writes in a very nice way.

I don't have anything to say about parenting, and though I have my little fantasies about how I'd like to do it, I have no idea whether that will actually be feasible.

As for UIDs, I've looked into them as a method of birth control myself and I considered it to be the most practical possibility. From what I remember (it's been a while, so please don't accept this as True Fact) there's the old-fashioned copper ones and the new ones which release a tiny bit of hormones, so little it only acts on the womb and barely (if at all) enters the blood stream. The old-fashioned ones are rarely used anymore around here (I think) and can cause heavier periods and I think have a slightly lower protection rate (though it's still up there with pill use, probably even better in practice since you can't exactly miss a dose or (I suspect) have it work less because of antibiotic use), whereas the hormone ones have quite the opposite effect, with periods disappearing after a few months (something which would freak me out a bit and is the reason I'd like to at least discuss the old-fashioned one with a professional before deciding).
Both can be kept inside for 5 years, though I've been told women in some poorer countries where buying pills simply costs too much (with access to education about family planning and clinics and the like, natch) often have IUDs and keep them for a good bit longer without a problem. And I think they can be taken out relatively easily when you want to try for kids again.

I don't really remember how they work exactly, though. I vaguely remember you mentioning you weren't too thrilled with certain oral contraceptives because they stopped a fertilised egg from attaching to the womb lining rather than preventing fertilisation, and I'm really not sure about the way IUDs work anymore.
In my mind the IUD prevents sperm from swimming up to the egg, but I'm not sure my mind is correct. There's probably clinics that can give you accurate information, and the internet is a pretty decent resource as well. By the way, if you can't find any decent sites in English (some people prefer it if women take pills) I can look around and try to translate some Dutch stuff.

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[info]tijmetje
2007-02-11 04:26 pm UTC (link)
Oh, and my theory on mommy wars is that people are insecure and feel the need to very strongly defend their own choices by putting down those of others.
It's just a theory, though. I have no experience with warring mummies, so I have no idea what they're really like.

Jess, the advantages of cloth diapering I've heard of are less waste (most aren't all that biodegradable), and them being cheaper in the long run.

Though I love the idea of cloth diapers and intend to try them (if we have our own washer, at least), I'm not sure how they'd work with traveling.

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(Anonymous)
2007-02-11 01:19 am UTC (link)
Rach, love your responses! I agree about disposable diapering- I have never understood why cloth is touted as being "better" by APers. Frankly, the less laundry I've got to do the more time I can spend with Ella. A year is a really reasonable goal for breastfeeding. My niece self weaned at 15 months and I think my sister was more sad about it than she was (emotional bonding, etc.). Ella and I are still happily nursing and she is 19 months old. I do think I will be making strong efforts to wean her this summer when she turns two. I have no problem with extended nursing (beyond 2) but I want to get preggo again and I do not want to nurse while pregnant. I think all parents just sort of muddle through and try to figure out what each kid needs since they are all so different.

I have a Mirena IUD. I would love to give you more info. about it but I think your blog comments may be a tad too public a forum for me to give you all the pros and cons from my perspective. :-) I would be more than happy to talk about it on our group at BBC or email. I will tell you that the Mirena has a low level dosage of hormones so it keeps your body from ovulating and then the IUD portion is the back up method of sorts. For a nursing mom, I don't think you could find a better BC. Let me know if you have any specific questions!

As for TV, Ella really only likes The Backyardigans on Noggin and Baby Einstein. She doesn't see a lot of TV either but those are both fairly educational and I try to sit and interact with her as she watches to make it a more active activity. :-)

Jess

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bcp
(Anonymous)
2007-02-11 01:25 am UTC (link)
Hi there! My co-worker uses an IUD and has for most of her married life (25 years) and she loves it! I'm not sure how it works, but it sounds very simple to have placed and exchanged right at your doctor's office and it's been effective for her since they only have 1 child that they planned for. Oh and she got a regular period with it, but that is different for evreyone I'm sure...

no parenting to talk about since I'm not one yet!

Have a wonderful day!
Maren

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[info]sonetka
2007-02-11 03:51 am UTC (link)
I just sort of played it by ear, using my parents' decisions as a starting point (except for disposable vs. cloth - one of my less delightful memories is constantly coming across cloth diapers soaking in the toilet. Also, we have to pay to do our laundry, and that could outweigh the cost of disposables VERY quickly). I thought I was going to wean Daniel when he turned 1, but here we are at 18 months, still nursing away :). I think part of it is infertility - the odds are very strong that I'll never get a chance to do this again, so why hurry The End Of Nursing?

I'm sure talking a lot helps language - though I think part of it is genetic, too. (My parents had 5 children, none of whom said a word until after the age of two, and we were certainly exposed to a lot of speech from day 1!) Daniel is as laggardly about talking as I was, hence the $%&* evaluation we have to take him to this month ...

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[info]tijmetje
2007-02-11 04:29 pm UTC (link)
Sounds like my boyfriend. He didn't talk until he was about 2 1/2, 3 years old, but when he started, he spoke proper sentences and all.
He's quite the talker these days. :)

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(Anonymous)
2007-02-11 04:30 am UTC (link)
the mommy wars are for people who've never had their mommyhood challenged, i think. losing a child, or struggling to become a mom, puts things in perspective. it's much easier to be self-righteous when you've never had to question. when nothing goes wrong, it's easy to take credit for it, and to feel perfect and expert - while the rest of us know it's mostly dumb luck.

i have the mirena iud, and i like it fine - i don't have to remember to take it every day at the same time, and i don't have to stop and attend to b/c when it's time for adult interaction, and i don't have to listen to the horrible crinkling baggie sound made by latex-free prophylactics. i do spot every other day or so (i've had it in for four months) which i'm still sorting out, but it's very, very light, and that's my only complaint. i don't plan to subject myself to the mental hell of another pregnancy, but i wasn't ready to not have that choice. i'd recommend it.

my most notable parenting choice was to breastfeed, in a breastfeeding-free family, and to do it in front of them (although i do throw a blanket over us when with anyone other than my husband, mom and/or sister); no one gets it (other than my darling husband) but they're learning to live with it. another choice causing some family chatter is our decision to not use physical punishment. this choice is contrary to your choice, i know, but it is the right one for us. spanking was abused in my family, and when it is abused it is really just the bullying of a child by the adult, and i'd like to think i can do more for milo than to bully him. my older relatives roll their eyes and say to just wait until he's older; i smile and ask them to respect my wishes and to never lay a hand on my child, as many times as it takes until they promise.

lauralu

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[info]chiromama
2007-02-11 04:36 am UTC (link)
My plan was to go in with some ideas, and follow my instinct.
1. Cosleep. love it wouldn't change it. Can't sleep when she's not there, unless sick or REALLY tired. Working well for us.
2. cloth diaper. Love it wouldn't change it. Have used disposables for plane travel and not too impressed. They don't work well for me, and cloth has been EASY for us. 2-3 extra loads of laundry a week. easy peasy. and Ruby loves diaper laundry. It's peek a boo time!
3.breastfeed. Would have done ANYTHING needed to make this work. Thankfully, piece of cake, mostly. Have bad fam history of allergies, and introducing formula would have been our LAST option if there had been a problem. Plan on BF till she's at least two, if that's also her plan, and as long as she'd like (with in reason!) after that.
4. Spanking. Never. won't say anything else about it, other than neither I, nor my husband nor ANYONE will ever hit my child. Gentle dicipline, and non violent communication are methods we are learning.
5. child spacing. HA HA HA!!! will probably head back to the RE for another round of IVF in a year or so. spacing. hahahhahaha. we IF's laugh at that one ;)
6. TV. Hoping to avoid her 'watching' tv till she's over two. We don't watch a lot anyway so it's no biggie.

:) thanks for sharing your list, there is mine!

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[info]cgl5f
2007-02-11 05:20 pm UTC (link)
I'll make my list on my blog....re cloth diapers -- i am currently debating this option so i am 'up' on a lot of this. For me, if we did it, it would mostly be an environmental-type choice -- the desire to live a less 'disposable' life in our very 'disposable' society. Most of the cost analyses you see *do* take the cost of laundering into account, and nowadays the diapers are not your mama's cloth diapers. No need to soak in the toilet! And they are really cute. But yeah, i still don't know if it is a choice that will work for us.

Rach, I think part of the prevalance of the 'Mommy Wars' is precisely related to one of your previous posts -- that about how you define yourself. Parenting young children is such an intensive endeavor that if you start to 'define yourself' (in your mind) by the choices you have made in doing it, it is easy to get your hackles up about doing things differently. You start to take it personally. There are alot of decisions that *do* necessarily come with mixed feelings (home v. work is the biggie, but often so are the old breast v. bottle or cloth v. disposable) and if you are so very 'attached' to your personal choice, you may see it as an attack when someone suggests doing it differently. This seems to happen alot more online than IRL, though -- i have never had a 'warlike' discussion with someone IRL, even if our parenting choices were very different. But online, we are often very one-dimensional and things can get taken the wrong way.

And yes, as one of the other commenters has said (sorry don't know who, can't see the comments in this window!), i think that for those of us who have lost babies and/or have had fertility or other issues -- it is easier to keep a 'cool' mind and realize that these things are not that important, in the end of the day. It's all about bringing up our children in a loving household.

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(Anonymous)
2007-02-11 08:00 pm UTC (link)
The idea that parents should do what works for their family and their baby makes all kinds of sense. Advice, information, and research is great, but if a certain idea doesn't work, it just doesn't work.
And you bet your bottom that Lucy's language is good because you talk to her all day. Good job.
RQ

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IUD
(Anonymous)
2007-02-11 10:13 pm UTC (link)
you do know that an IUD acts just a the birth control pill does ...it too can cause an egg to be fertilized and not implant in the womb ..hence it is causing an abortion :(

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Re: IUD
(Anonymous)
2007-02-12 08:28 pm UTC (link)
Why not try a combination of FAM and condoms? (fertility awareness method is the name NFP receives when used only to discern the more fertile days, when the couple, if not wanting to abstain, uses condoms or some other barrier method).

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Love you and your questions!
[info]momtodom
2007-02-12 02:41 am UTC (link)
Cosleep: Half the night, lately he sleeps through..Yay!!!
Breastfeed : Yes, so eaasy, my first was real difficult, fought through it, this one, who knows when I will stop , it will be before he is 3.
Discipline: Depends on the child, train up a child in the way he will go and he will not depart from it, that means you train them for what they are going to be good at and they direction that they are headed. Oldest, strong willed, much more discipline, middle, easy compassionate, but tends toward laziness...Dominic, much like oldest but hopefully won't have the sass of a girl!
Birthcontrol: OK here goes....I was told and have read, by my doctor that the Mirena DOES NOT cause abortion. The string has progesterone on it which slowly releases and builds up the lining including the cervix so that little fish can not enter. The progresterone ends up causing you to not ahve aperiod or less frequent periods and not sure if it stops ovulation or not. I was very against IUDs until he explained this however I have chosen not to get one....OK here is where I am.....my husband is done, I am could have another if it is God's will, so I feel if I go off and do birth control I feel like I am interfereing with His will and also preventing my husband from getting what he really needs to get done. (my husband does not have my convictions or beliefs.) Sooo if my husband is truly done he will get snipped or he can take his chances...that's where I am at, because I would have more if he wanted more. I also feel I am not putting any chemicals into my body and I have done enough...its his turn:-)
Diapers: Oh Yah....sorry land fills yay for disposable! God is Good!

I think you were real good Rachel, you didn't hit the biggest war...SAHM vs working Moms.... :-)
I think Oprah did that one a couple weeks ago!
Me, I would sell my house to stay at home because that is where I believe Moms should be..if they can. My husband thinks I should be happy that I work only 3 days...I do feel very blessed and thankful for this but my heart is at home! My heart goes out to all Moms that have to work but want to stay home...sorry but I am NO women's libber!
Guess what Dominic's new favorite task is...cleaning walls with his wipes...know why he knows how..can we say pencils and crayons! Now he gets out wipes all the time and starts cleaning....

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(Anonymous)
2007-02-12 04:18 pm UTC (link)
We have so far just gone with some notions of what we'd like to do, but see how it plays out and adapt/overcome.

1. We don't cosleep. We did the first month and a half, but when it finally got to where he didn't seem to care as much if we were constantly holding him, we moved him to his crib and created a routine there. We both love sleeping with him, but do it with naps on the couch so we sleep better at night and don't have the rollover risk that kept us up much of the night the first month and a half.
2. Disposable diapers. We really have tons of laundry as it is -- we both go to the gym and we both run, so there are lots of extra clothes to wash just from the two of us, let alone Charlie's clothes. I know it isn't particularly environmentally friendly, but it is one less thing to worry about right now. We try to make up for my abuse of the environment in other ways, like participating in the city's recycling and yard waste programs.
3. Angie breastfeeds. We plan to wean at 6 months. He long ago began demanding more than she can make, so we are already supplementing with formula since about 1 and a half months of age -- he eats about 75% breast milk and 25% formula. In consultation with the lactation nurse at his clinic, Angie did the herbal remedies and took Reglan to get her supply up as much as she can. He eats about 6-7 oz per feeding every 3-4 hours at only 3 months old (and has been eating like that for the past several weeks). Luckily, he has always switched back and forth between the breast and the bottle very easily. Lately he still sometimes seems hungry even after 6-7oz, and the doc is thinking we will probably be going ahead and starting him on some rice cereal at 4 months, very slowly to try and keep on top of any allergy/digestion issues.
4. Spanking. We have an open mind on this. If corporal punishment seems warranted under the circumstances and given his personal temperament, we would do it. But only we would ever be the ones to do it. And if we did use it, we would plan on doing it after we have cooled down -- my grandfather did it that way growing up with him, and it worked. He would tell me that I would be getting my spanking for whatever thing I had just gotten caught doing in two hours. It gave me time to think about it and gave him time to do it when he wasn't mad. 5. Child spacing. We will take what God gives us. At least that is what we say now. We lost two already, so this one seems like such a blessing that right now we can't imagine heading one off at the pass, so to speak.
6. TV. It already catches his attention, especially sports. Something about the colorful uniforms, the camera movement following the players, etc. He also LOVES Clifford the Big Red Dog. Overall though, he really isn't old enough to watch very much TV. We intend to allow only scheduled TV time.

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who knows why
(Anonymous)
2007-02-12 06:05 pm UTC (link)
Personally, I don't understand the mommy wars. I have never had an issue with other peoples personal choices. That is exactly what they are, personal!

As for me, I breastfed for a year with both kids and then gave them whole milk. I almost quit sooner with Zach, due to wanting my boobs back! :) I have issues with formula and would not have had a problem using it if I needed to. I do not look down on anyone who has used it for whatever the reason!

Diapers..... disposable all the way. I could not imagine having to try to contain the runny yellow poop in cloth since it does not always stay in the disposable!! Plus, I would have issues with cleaning out the poop all the time! I hate cleaning the poop out of cloths!!!!!

Cosleep or not, again personal choice. We did it some early one, but usually only the second half of the night. I was too lazy to but them back in the bassinet beside the bed after feeding!!!! And most definitely in the early morning after my hubby would get up. I loved snuggling in bed! Heck, at almost 2 and almost 5 we still have morning snuggle sessions!!!!

Monitor- whatever makes you feel the most secure! That is the reason there are so many different kinds!

IUD- I had one until I had surgery. I LOVED IT! I am hoping I can have another put back in soon! When you know that having another kid is not what is best for you at this time, then you have to do what is right for you and your family. A straight jacket for you is not an option!

Love makes a child grow. That is what I believe. :)

We watch TV, but I try to limit the time, but Zaphillia basically picks what she wants to watch at this point. I veto if it is inapproriate (SpongeBob and the like), but she mostly likes JoJo's Circus and Dora. We outgrew Seaseme Street a little while back :(

Again, everyone is different and the choices they make are personal. I have several friends and we all do it different. We all have different ideas. As far as I know, none of us put the others down (maybe I am never in those conversations!). We are all moms just trying to survive with the children we have!!!

Rhonda

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Re: who knows why
(Anonymous)
2007-02-12 06:20 pm UTC (link)
After reading some comments, I wanted to add that my IUD is the ParaGard, which is the copper IUD, good for up to 10 years. It was chosen for personal reasons and discussed with my doctor for several months prior to insertion. IF you want to talk about it more, email me!

Rhonda

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