raqueljoy ([info]raqueljoy) wrote,
@ 2007-02-28 14:37:00
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Current mood: calm

sinning
If you want to read about how wonderful and fantastic my children (!) are, and see pictures, check the other site...if I know you I'll give you the password.

Anyone want to buy a set of 3 Large brand new Fuzzi Bunz from me? Colors are burgundy, hunter green, and sage. The burgundy Lucy peed in twice and I washed twice, according to label directions. I'm charging $43.00, and that's including shipping. I keep trying to list them on ebay and the listing keeps getting knocked off. The listing was up to $46.00, including shipping, so I'm moderately annoyed. I guess it's illegal to post "size large diapers", because Ebay thinks you're a sicko who wears large diapers as a fetish and kicks you off. I wish I didn't know that.

I'm going to use this blog as a place to sort out my feelings about life. I'm putting all the letters to the kiddos, etc., on the other site. It feels "safer" that way, to me, too. Anyway. 

SL hit the nail on the head again when I saw her last. We talked about how I have basically told S that he doesn't need to get me anything ever for holidays, my birthday, mother's day, anniversary. I've liked being the "cool wife" he tells his work guys about. "Wow, dude! She gets it! You don't ever have to buy her anything! My wife wants a Coach purse!" There's been a certain pride in my heart about that. And it has been ok - I didn't get anything for Christmas and was fine with it. I bought a cd for myself or something. But Valentine's Day...well, Valentine's Day...I didn't get anything and it really, really bothered me. I told him that and he said, "I thought you didn't care?" "Yeah, I guess I was wrong. I don't think I can go the next possibly 50 years of marriage and never get anything from you. I thought I could but I can't." This said while I'm crying, standing in the kitchen, trying to cook a terribly messed-up dinner, both kids screaming, him working on his laptop for work. I was so ready to just throw down the dishrag and run around the block so I wouldn't slap someone. I wanted to know if we couldn't just get something little for each other - could we exchange that night that we were going to the dinner theatre? "You want to exchange TODAY?" This is when I responded with, "You know what, forget it. If you don't want to get me a goddamn present, don't. I don't want to take any of your time away from your precious computer. I don't want to be an obligation." And then I cried and cried and cried...and he gave me a hug and picked up Asher Man and held him while I finished dinner and all was right with the world.

And then, well, he did the sweetest thing - probably the best thing he could have done. He went to Target and picked out all these little things that he knew would mean the most to me - he knows me so well...and he wrote a poem along with them and was so proud giving them to me. I love my husband.

SL asked me why I would tell my husband he didn't need to give me anything in the first place. Aside from the fact that I know there are extra crowns awaiting me in heaven for buying the bare minimum of anything for myself (and stuff of the crappiest quality), I don't know. I don't know. She made me sit with the question, and I guess it boils down to this. I don't want to put anyone out, and I guess, deep down, I don't think I deserve it. I feel like I'm putting him out if I ask to go to Starbuck's with a friend on a Saturday for 2 hours without the kids. I feel like buying nice underwear and throwing out the stuff I've had for 56 years is being wasteful and ungrateful. 

But where does this come from? Why is it that everyone gets the first fruits and I Get the last?

SL pointed out that even Jesus had to send the crowds away and spend time with God, feeding his own soul.

Just some thoughts I wanted to get down. Don't know what to do with them; they're just there.

Being good to yourself isn't a sin.


(9 comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]praizeleeder222
2007-02-28 09:24 pm UTC (link)
SL is a smart lady! I thought that once too and I was told I shouldn't rob someone else of their blessing!!! when I was a single mom I had to learn to accept things from other people and learn to depend on God. It was rough but I finally figured out what they were talking about, and I feel better too!! My husband helped me see that too. He is such an unbelievable blessing in my life, my daughter as well. Putting everyone else ahead of you is also not a good thing I've have learned too. If you have a chance to go out without the child(ren) then do it! One of my friends, never took time early on in their marriage to set a 'date night' or night out w/friends, and now 10 years later, they do NOTHING together ( i mean NO-THING!!), everything now revolves around the kids and they do nothing for themselves. I feel sad for her, and I couldn't live like that. I pray for them alot, I'm so glad I learned these things early on, Thank you Jesus for setting me straight!! Go ahead and go have coffee... its ok, you need a break! :)

(Reply to this)

yep
(Anonymous)
2007-02-28 10:51 pm UTC (link)
That's something that I struggle with too...not feeling like I deserve things, not wanting to put anyone out...yep.
Guess I just wanted to say I sympathize.
RQ

(Reply to this)

knit_tgz (Tania) here
(Anonymous)
2007-02-28 10:54 pm UTC (link)
I have been fighting that tendency since childhood. It is a sinful tendency, you know? Not accepting anything out of principle is very sinful. Not allowing yourself to be pampered just a little, in the end, always boils down to thinking: I don't deserve it as much as everybody else, or thinking: I am strong enough not to need it. Either way, it is pride (either twisted pride of the "I am the worst wretch" variety, or just normal "I am SuperWoman and can care for everybody while not being cared for" pride). I have BOTH problems, in fact. I remember being 10 years old or so and thinking "If there was a queue in Heaven where God was giving happiness away (in packages, or so), I would never ever get to receive, or I would be the last one, because I would tell everyone that was behind me that they could go first because they needed it more. (OK, I thought way too much for my own good, I know...)

Still, Jesus told several things that should have led me to conclude that I need to be good to myself too. First, the "Love your neighbour as you love yourself" implies that I need to love myself, or else I won't love the neighbour (If you try to "save" everybody from their own devils while not caring for yourself up to the point of burnout, at the end you won't be able to help anybody anymore). Then, His own example, as SL wisely pointed. And also His commandment that we should be as poor people, in spirit. What do poor people do? They accept the good things that are given to them (by God, and by others). How many times have I been prideful enough to refuse to accept God's gifts? Accepting gifts and treating yourself with the dignity any human being deserves is not the same as being a spoiled brat who demands luxury!

On a more superficial matter: do not buy crappy underwear, and please do not use old underwear that no longer supports you! When I finally decided that I would wear underwear that supported me, and simple, not too expensive, but newer underwear, I found that outer clothes fitted me better and that I treated myself with more respect. Good underwear (can be basic underwear, you don't have to spend too much, just needs to be nice-fitting and new enough) is like a good shampoo or soap or a new toothbrush every 3 months: it changes the way you look, even though nobody sees it.

(How can we be so similar in some things?)

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[info]kate94651
2007-03-01 03:17 am UTC (link)
Or maybe you were just hoping that, despite your non-desire to receive gifts, your husband would do something special for you anyway? You don't want it to be an obligation, but still... Yeah, you can not "care" about it...but it would be nice if he made an effort. Steve and I had many a misunderstanding about this sort of thing. Finally he said to me, "Just tell me what you really mean...don't play games." I hadn't thought I was playing games, but from his perspective, I can see how he would interpret it that way. It's not the gift...it's the thought that counts. And it hurts just a little bit when there is NO thought. So just tell him. Tell him how you don't really care about the gifts so much as the thoughts. You may not get diamonds, but I bet you'll get something that means more to your heart.

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[info]tijmetje
2007-03-01 09:30 am UTC (link)
I find it difficult to receive gifts, too. Partly because I feel a little guilty for people spending money on me (especially on books, I take forever reading them), partly because, well, I don't really know. I enjoy occasionally buying something special for someone, though. Recently I bought my grandma a Calvin and Hobbes book after her newspaper stopped printing that comic, and it made us both very happy and she deserves it for simply being the sweetest grandma ever.

because Ebay thinks you're a sicko who wears large diapers as a fetish and kicks you off
Strange. What about grown-up and older people who use diapers because they need them? I bet that's a much latger group. Also, if you can't sell thing with which people have sick fetishes, you can't sell anything.

(Reply to this)

I hear ya.
(Anonymous)
2007-03-01 03:27 pm UTC (link)
When Dave and I were first dating, I told him that I didn't want any gifts, too. I don't know why. In retrospect maybe I was afraid he wouldn't buy me anything, so I thought Id head that off. Maybe its because I didn't think I was worth anything. I don't know. That Valentine's day I said he didn't have to get me anything and he told me that he did, because women talk and I would have to tell everyone that he didn't get me anything and even if I didn't care, my friends would.
I argued against that and I don't know how often I've wanted to take that conversation back because, well, I won. And I didn't get anything. And he was right that for years women would say, "Nothing? He got you NOTHING?"
These days every V day he makes me dinner and brownies that say I love you on them and gets a card. Our bday is three days after that and since its a combined bday we do something together. But, Christmases have come and gone with only small gifts (like candle tarts or sparkly pens) and I've gotten used to that. In fact, I even liked it a lot because each little thing said he knew something about who I am. But this year he suprised me with jewelry and a 32 inch tv and I was overwhelmed. I have to admit that it was nice to look under the tree and see that not everything was picked out, purchased and wrapped by me.
Before I go on and on because I have more to say about how I feel about buying new things, and what I feel I deserve I may just go post about this on my own site. Because this here is a novel and I'm sure people are bored.

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that was me
(Anonymous)
2007-03-01 03:52 pm UTC (link)
I keep forgetting this thing makes me anonymous.

Kether

(Reply to this)

Diapers
(Anonymous)
2007-03-01 08:48 pm UTC (link)
I said that to my husband a while ago (you don't need to get me anything for holidays) - that has changed now. We still don't get each other gift, but he does get me a card for my birthday/anniversary/Valentine's Day. I just look forward to getting a card and if I get anything else, it's a great suprise (he got me flowers, candy, AND balloons this Valentines - WOW). Spolied me! :) He's a keeper!

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from Louise
(Anonymous)
2007-03-02 02:36 am UTC (link)
Good post!

Poor men- we tell them one thing, but secretly hope they ignore us
:-) Glad you guys worked that out! I love little gifts and surprises from my hubbie...Don't ever want to give those up.

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