Current mood:

depressed

I don't think I invited HER to the party.

I think I could be officially diagnosed with Post-Partum depression. It's just been the last week or so that I've just felt sad. What makes it worse is feeling like I can't blog about it because I know there are people who read who would be thrilled to have a 2 year old and a new baby, and get to stay home. So that makes it worse. "Gosh, Rachel, you should be happy with your life situation, what's wrong with you?" It's not that I'm not happy, it's just that I feel SAD. I have a new obsession with the OCD - that something will happen to me and Scott will have to raise the kids alone. It feels good to get it out there. SL said, "Are you the only person capable of raising your children?" I answered no, and that's a good point. I wonder what the obsession will be next week. I think my freaking out came on after Bible study on Wednesday night when I had a migraine and was pretty much incapacitated. Scott had to put Lucy to bed, etc. Then the thought was, "What if it's a brain tumor?" And yes, the downward spiral began. Then we went to the parenting conference, and I started freaking out about how LITTLE we know about parenting, and what a big responsibility it is, and ohmygosh what if Lucy marries a total loser or the kids get mole*sted or blah blah blah?

God is a big God and I have trouble letting him do his job now, don't I. Whatever happens, he is in control. He's gotten me through some really crappy stuff in the past, and I know He's still there, even in the midst of it, as my wise friend Shannon says.

So, yeah, post-partum depression. She came late, and she's not welcome. Asher is 7 weeks old tomorrow, and wasn't she supposed to come earlier if she was coming? I didn't invite her to the party.

Our washing machine is broken and I'm really annoyed that we ordered it a week ago and still don't know when it's going to be here. Lucy is crabby with a runny nose and Asherman is constipated - no poo since Friday. When should I be getting concerned? I gave him a bath and rubbed his little tummy, gave him some senna, nothing...my house is a mess and the in laws are coming for dinner. And can you believe I'm actually worried about whether or not they'll be offended that the mini recliner they gave Lucy isn't sitting in our living room, but in our basement? They bought it because it matches the living room colors, but we just don't have the room. Maybe I should bring it up for while they're here?

When I was sitting in the rocking chair rocking both kids I noticed the dust bunnies the size of France underneath the bassinet...repeat after me...dust bunnies don't matter...dust bunnies don't matter...

highlights from today...Lucy is putting on Mardi Gras beads as we speak...Asher got a BEAUTIFUL and I mean BEAUTIFUL baby blanket from Catherine. It makes me smile just to look at it. All that hard work that went into it, Catherine. THank you SO much. I took a picture of him on it...and the edging is divine! How long did it take you to DO that????????? He threw up on it promptly after being placed there. It is washable, right? ;) He also got a little sleeper - we will just get him a bigger one - it is too small and I want him to be able to wear it for awhile!

I feel another migraine coming on. Screw this Weight Watchers stuff. The Parents as Teachers lady came today and, after I told her that last night I left the tv on at night in the living room just so A-man would have some noise and wouldn't wake up, said, "White noise is bad for babies. Here's a handout on overstimulation. Too much tv is not good." I am going to keep my big mouth shut next time.

Catherine, can I cuddle up with that beautiful blanket and go cry in the corner?